Write, again?

My, my, my! How the years fly by. So much has happened since I posted.

Had my third child.
Had four different jobs.
Got divorced.
Lost my house and my car.
Met the love of my life, Brett (and went from three kids to six--Brady Bunch).

It's amazing how life changes over time. I babysit now. My sister's two kids. Something I never, ever dreamed I'd be doing for a living. The opportunity came up out of a tragedy, really. It helps my sister and me, really. I've been doing this for the past five months now, and so far, so good. I don't wake up dreading to go to work. I'm always greeted with such love by one of my nieces, at least until she gets older! It's summer time right now, so I bring my kids to work with me every day. It's only been a few weeks, and it isn't terribly exhausting, yet. But I'm sure I'll be ready for the school year to begin. My kids will be in kindergarten, third, fourth, fifth, and ninth grades! The fifth grader and ninth grader are Brett's two oldest kids. Only one lives with us full time, which is also a new development with the summer. It's been great so far. His youngest isn't quite a year yet (in a nutshell, his ex-girlfriend got pregnant on purpose after they broke up to try to get him back), and we don't get to see him much. It's a lot of kids, but it's a lot of love, too.

I'm still the crazy, emotional person I've always been. I still overthink absolutely every situation, and even those I create in my head. I still get depressed. I'm still overweight. I'd be lying if I said the hard times I went through still weigh me down. I do get very sad over them. Losing my house and my car was really tough. The divorce was 8 years overdue (we separated January 2016, married August 2008). I'd love to say I had great support through it all, but that wouldn't be entirely accurate. Somehow that drove a huge stake between me and my family, and it hasn't exactly mended. I had some truly low lows. But I always had my kids, and they depended on me not to stay broken. Without knowing it, they held me together. That's not to say I didn't fall apart many nights, and cry and cry, or even find myself barely moving to complete the necessary daily life tasks for them. I lost my temper, my patience many days. I'm not proud of any of those moments. I wish I could change so much about myself. I just hope that if they remember those times, and have a picture of me that way in their minds, it softens over the years.

Parenting is simply the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have three strong willed children who simply do not relent. As they get older, it gets a bit easier as they mature and begin to understand respect. It is so difficult to pick out the parenting techniques I was raised under that I should use for my own kids. Times were so different (as they are each generation), and I certainly cannot say I agreed with everything my parents did. Even saying that makes me feel ungrateful, but that's really a novel in itself. But the love is simply the best in the world, having children. And right now, I have the best partner in life to help with raising them and giving them the love they deserve.

I think that I need to begin writing, again. I do have more "free time" on my hands with this job, and while I haven't yet, I need to take advantage of that. My brain is so scattered and cluttered, and I believe there's a lot I need to learn about myself, and just face, really. I know keeping a journal will help with that. I may not like what I find, but I know I'll grow from it, face it, and get through it. My biggest fear right now (aside from, "oh dear Lord please don't let me fuck up my children too bad") is losing the love I have right now. Trust is so hard for me. I really need to figure that out.

The Great Recovery

I joined The Great Recovery. According to the website, this is what the Great Recovery is:

The Great Recovery is a grassroots movement spread by people who are tired of looking to Washington for answers. The truth is that the government can’t fix this economy. It’ll be restored one family at a time, as each of us takes a stand to return to God and grandma's way of handling money.

Together, we’ll bring this country back on track—one family, one church, one community at a time.

There's nothing about this that's unhealthy or unrealistic. All it takes is self discipline. I've also started reading the Financial Peace book by Dave Ramsey. He is indeed a very motivational speaker. His motto, "live like no one else now, so you can live like no one else later" is so very inspirational. I want this. I want to be a better person, and do better in dealing with my family's finances. I believe Mr. Ramsey and the Great Recovery are the way to go.

I'll do my best to blog about it as we go. I've begun reading the book and I have to make some small daily commitments. Once I can manage to keep these, I'll be able to move on. Perhaps, no, actually, it will be a slow process. But it is worth it. Every second and minute of it!

Button Bumpers Fitted Giveaway!

Mod'N'Natural is giving away a Button Bumpers Fitted Diaper! Awesome. Click Here to go enter!

Thirsties Thursday Giveaway

I just entered the first Thirsties Thursday Giveaway! A chance to win two Duo Fab Fitted diapers! I LOVVVE this diaper, tremendously. It's our nighttime diaper for now, but I'd love to have more for the day. It is absorbent and keeps my LO's dry. I haven't felt a wet bottom in the morning since we made this our night time diaper! Go check them out!
Thirsties Thursday Giveaway!

Flats and Handwashing Challenge, It's Over.

We're done with the flat challenge! I was very happy to put James in my favorite diaper this morning. It's a WAHM mystery diaper. I got it at Elemeno-Pee's yard sale. The previous owner couldn't recall where she'd gotten it. The super absorbent material on the inside is what swept me off my feet! This is it.

The mama suggested I post on DS to see if anyone would claim it. I'm going to give that a try. I just want to know what it's made of so I can get more like it! Or order from the mama! Okay, I cannot order more diapers. Oh, the addiction!

Right, so I was posting about the end of the flats challenge. I never used flats before the challenge. Never even thought of using them, what with all the incredible cloth diaper options there are today. Why waste time folding and doing the old school when they have so many, prettier options?

Towards the end, I was pretty tired of folding the flats. I really should have looked into more than just the kite and origami fold. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten so tired of the folding. I suppose another contributor was the uneven blankets I used. I could have simply cut them down to squares, but I didn't. These are simple problems to fix for the future (and some I could have EASILY mended during the challenge, as well). Regardless, it did not hinder the participation.

I purchased some Gerber flats before the challenge started, in hopes of using them for the challenge (HA HA). I had to double them up and use a pad fold for them to be any sort of use. I think in the beginning I didn't think they were so bad. Maybe it was the newness or the pure optimism for a "true" flat. Well, guess what? A name alone does not define function. Regardless of my previous opinion, at the end of the challenge, they're okay for doublers, but work best as a love-y for James (he loves to snuggle) or a miscellaneous rag.

I wish I had taken more pictures along the way, just because I'm a visual person. But truthfully how many photos of an origami folded baby butt do we need to see? I didn't get creative. I left well enough alone and simply participated. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to participate and was happy to do so! (My sisters said I was crazy and how some kind of unusual idea of fun.) I dream of being more creative, and on the best ways to go all out, but in the end I usually just do what it takes to get by. Every now and then I'd try to do some new folding to fit better on my two wigglers, but that's just it, the wigglers wouldn't keep still and I just gave up and used the same old, trusty origami fold! Man, this is sounding so somber and drab. I don't mean to, honest!

What else? Handwashing, oh yes. The camp style washer was pretty neat. I happily plunged for the first wash. As the minutes drew on, the darn thing started to crack and break and tear. I bought a cheap plunger and didn't have the drill bits to make nice little holes, so I used some scissors and ended up slicing and dicing a bit too much. Needless to say the pressure and pumping tore it more with each plunge. Then for the lid I cut out the hole at the top with a knife. The rough handling of the plunger cracked the lid. Then cracked it some more. I did not take a picture of this, because, honestly I was quite embarrassed of my (non) handy-work. It takes me! Really, it still worked. I used the camp style washer a couple nights. Then it really reached the point that it wasn't plunging so much as thrusting a stick in a bucket. Handwashing in the tub became the next best option. And you know what? I really preferred it. Sure, it took a lot longer than the camp style washer, but probably because I'm a bit OCD. I tried washing them in the kitchen sink one night, and no way will I ever do that when there's a bathtub around. I feel like I wasted so much water that way, too!

James was already dealing with a rash that wouldn't quit. About a day into the challenge I read somewhere about coconut oil and we tried that. Tada! Rash gone. After that, I'm pleased to say we didn't have any problems with rashes throughout the challenge.

Drying time left a lot to be desired, but it didn't really bother me. I did most of my washing at night and dried on my drying rack. I usually would have two that were still clean and waiting for the morning change. By the time we needed another change, they were dry. Two less (we had about 12 in all, not counting the Gerber flats that I only used for doublers) and I would have been squirming though. Well, until I realized, Holy way to get creative Batman, you can use t-shirts and sheets and other things around the house! (You mamas really are awesome, you know!) I never had to tap into the around the house resources though.

I really wish I had some "real" flats (I've mentioned this once or twice before, I know) so that I could compare the dried softness to my dried not-nearly-soft receiving blankets. It was better once I used the fan and some vinegar. I know different materials would have been better for this. Okay, I think I know. Drying them out in the wind and sun helps too. Alas, no clothes line for wind popping here in my apartment. Just my humble drying rack, drug out to the porch, and strategically placed to get the most of the wind and sun.

I used a snappi, diaper pins, and most of the time none at all. I really wish I had more snappis. The pins wouldn't be such a downer if my babies weren't such wigglers. Well, that and to push them through all the fabric really did take some strength (I was probably doing it wrong!). I'll end up getting more snappis. At least one more. While the origami fold stayed in place without any fasteners with the cover on it, it was much neater when I did use one.

Covers. I want more covers. I want more covers that FIT. We have one OS cover, 3 larges, and 1 medium. The larges are too big for my 25 lb toddler and way too large for my 22 lb infant. We used them, anyway. But I think it would have been a better experience to have some more covers that fit. The medium always went out of the rotation and into the dirties way too fast!

The best part about participating in the challenge: just that, participating in the challenge. I did what could be done by thousands of low income families (did I ever mention we ARE a low income family and it's part of the reason we ever started with the cloth diapers?). Think of the positive ripples this could have if only there would be more folks out there willing to just give it a try. This has spurred a true interest in trying to get this word out to daycares. I think the majority of the families that need to know about this have their baby in a daycare. (I could be so wrong about that, not based on the slightest statistic, just my own guesstimates.) I think I need to do this. I'm determined to get the word out to those that need to hear it the most.

Flats and Handwashing Challenge, Day 7

Today is the last day of the challenge. At least to make it 7 full days (at midnight). I know some of the participants are carrying it over until tomorrow at midnight. Good for them! I can't say I'm very excited to go one more day. I miss my washing machine!

Kiddos are still in flats with covers. We did have an hour and a half of non-flats during church. Sure, I felt guilty about this, and I probably could have pushed the issue, but I didn't. I guess this means I failed the challenge, at least in the competitive sense of the word. We did, however, go into this for much less than $100 and wore the flats all week while only handwashing! I know that it is indeed possible for anyone to cloth diaper. It most certainly is not a monetary issue that would prevent anyone from cloth diapering their child.

So, this has me thinking a bit about the world we live in. Sure, we can cloth diaper all we want and show the world how great it is, but will they listen? Unfortunately, the majority does not, so most daycares (at least here in my area) are not happy about cloth diapers. They all shrivel up when it's mentioned. When my two babies first started the daycare was all about allowing my cloth diapers. Yet, every day that I picked them up, they were in a disposable. The reason was usually not worthy of the disposable. I'm not a person big on confrontations and I would just let it be and continue bringing the cloth diapers each day. Without fail they'd come home in the disposables. Even though they said they'd be more than happy to work with me on the cloth diapering aspect, they did not. When I mentioned it, it seemed like there was one excuse after the other, and as I've said, I am not the confrontational type, so I let it go. At the time I was very busy with nursing school and clinical rounds in the hospital that I didn't really have the energy to fight it. So, in the end, my babies were in disposables at daycare.

Now I'm a SAHM and I wish I could be forever. Unfortunately, my time is narrowing down and I will, sooner rather than later, have to turn in my time at home with my babies and send them back to daycare. This time, I will have more to say about it and I will push the issue. In fact, I'll probably take it a step further and try to convince them to start cloth diapering those babies whose parents don't bring in enough diapers. I've seen kids have to stay in those yucky disposables far too long because they didn't have anymore for them to wear. It's about the babies, after all. I can't see a parent complaining about their child wearing a cloth diaper while they're at a daycare. I can see a daycare employee complaining about a cloth diaper. Perhaps education is all they're missing. It is indeed an issue worth confronting.

So, yeah, we did the challenge, and even though we deviated for an hour or so, we're back in our flats (receiving blankets!) until tomorrow. I'm happy I participated.

Flats and Handwashing Challenge, Day 6

Day 6 of the Flats Challenge! One more day! I say that like I'm all excited, but honestly the challenge hasn't been bad. I'm honestly going to include flats into my daily rotation. It may not be a full time thing, as I am quite attached to my fitteds, pockets, and AIO's! The real excitement about the end of the challenge is no longer having to wash by hand! Yay! Washing by hand hasn't been the worst, or yuckiest, task I've had to do on a daily basis, but, ya know, I've got a washer, so why not take advantage of that wonderful invention!

I washed my diapers in the tub by hand sans camp style washer. I rinsed twice, washed, and they still smelled of urine to high heavens! So, I did an individual rinse, wash, rinse (with vinegar!) in the tub instead of having them all in together. I used Rockin Green this time around (been using Charlies Soap <3). Once I did a more thorough and individual rinse and wash the smell was gone, gone, gone! The sun was shining and I hung them all out to dry on my drying rack. The wind was blowing a bit. Dry time was much shorter than overnight drying and with the wind and vinegar, they came out much softer today! Since this went over so well, I'll wait to wash until the morning, again. I'll be able to hang them outside, again! Why didn't I do this from the beginning? Silly, silly mommy.

Flats and Handwashing Challenge, Day 5

Last night I fell asleep trying to get Olivia to sleep. I was fully dressed and had not washed my diapers yet, either! We didn't make it back to Lafayette until after 8pm. Now I get to try to remember what yesterday was like.

I really don't think their was anything extraordinary that occurred as far as the Flats challenge goes. The oscillating fan sped up my drying time just a bit, but now we're back home and I don't have an oscillating fan. I'm going to try the vinegar in the rinse cycle this morning when I wash. I'm not incredibly upset about not washing last night. This way I'll get to try a few more things as a flat. The sun is shining outside, and now I get to see how fast they dry out there versus hanging them over night. Any guesses as to which is fastest? Right, that's not even a real question, we all know the answer! I just have to remember to bring in the covers (PUL) as soon as they're dry or this Louisiana heat will damage them!

All right, I need to get moving and washing and cleaning. I promise to get the pictures I've taken the past couple days up soon!

Flats and Handwashing Challenge, Day 4

Yesterday at about 1:30 pm my two babies and I hit the road for an overnight visit to grandma's house. For the drive, I just added a Gerber flat in a pad fold inside the origami folded receiving blanket. Worked just fine! The only time we ever have any wetness come through is when I just opt for Gerber flats (two, pad folded). Alone (or even doubled with another of it's kind) isn't worth it, but as an extra insert, it does seem to help, even if just a little bit.
I decided to wash in the sink last night. I didn't bring my camp style washer (on purpose). I wanted to be able to try different ways to find out for myself what really works the best for me. The sink too FOREVER. Same amount as it's been, about 12 flats (blankets), about 6 covers, and two wetbags. I guess the sink was too small for this method to really be worth my while. I didn't bring my drying rack, either, in hopes of drying them on the line outside. But I don't have enough to dry them during the day without washing and hanging periodically throughout the day. When you're visiting, that's just not really an option. Instead, I used some old dog runners and stretched them across the utility room (which is actually a pretty nice size compared to most). I did take pictures, but my laptop decided it really didn't feel like uploading my pictures tonight. When I get back home (we're still visiting), I'll add in the pictures.

They still weren't very dry this morning, so I used a hooded towel on my little man, and it worked very well. I was really hoping to slice and dice some old flannel sheets my mom had offered me in the past (I declined then because I did not even begin to fathom using them for anything other than sheets--believe me, you folks have definitely led me to a much more recycled way of thinking!). Much to my dismay, they are at the camp, a couple hours away and in a flood, okay, above the flood, at least! Since we were anticipating the flood here, as well, she didn't have too much else in the way of materials to upcycle. By the time I needed another diaper, at least a thinner one was dry!

Okay, I'm confused on the rules with the dryer bit. So many people have suggested tossing the scratchy stiffness into the dryer on air for about 10 minutes to bring back some fluff and softness to them. Is that allowed? I mean, if you're not supposed to have access to a dryer, isn't this cheating a bit? Or is the suggestion simply for when you do hang dry? I've always fluffed my diapers in the dryer after a line dry, but I thought about it, and came to the conclusion it would just be wrong somehow, to do it during the challenge. Tonight I have an oscillating fan on them as best as I could get it (what with my criss cross lines) in such a small space. Hopefully this helps. I did read the other suggestions of beating the softness back into them; scrunching them up and such. It's just not much help to these old receiving blankets. I wonder if perhaps the true flats are somewhat softer in their drying than my make-do ones. I certainly would imagine if I had cut up my sheets, they would be softer (I also have some 500 thread count sheets that I tore an enormous hole in one night in some sort of night terror that I wanted to use, but it, too, is at the camp) and not such a hassle to soften. I picture the true flats to be more like prefolds in this aspect, I guess, and I know for a fact those do come out softer than my blankets after line drying. Maybe it doesn't seem like such a big deal, but I know I'd certainly refuse to have a stiff blanket wrapped around my delicates. I feel a little guilty submitted my babies to stiff butts! Maybe if I literally beat them before I take them off the line/rack? Like with a flyswat, or something. I don't know why I think that would make it better!

Flats, I know I will continue to use and purchase in the future, but this whole no washer and dryer deal is just for the birds. I do appreciate what those without would have to go through. If I did not have access, I would wash them by hand though, because I am so commited to cloth. In a financial situation, I still find it hard to imagine why some would think that diapers are an absolute expense (the disposables, I mean). I think all daycares should at least advertise cloth and propose it as a viable option. It should be required that daycares accept cloth diapers! I worked at a daycare for about a month, and while I was there, I often had to remind parents daily that their child was OUT of diapers and had none left. It wasn't because they just kept forgetting to bring them all the time, I KNOW that (for some, anyway) it was a financial situation. They could not afford to buy more diapers. I always mentioned cloth and I really wish that I had the time to do into the whole spill with the parents instead of just quick quips when they were retrieving their child. I was always running after other children and didn't really have the time, nor did they really want to hear it (because of preconceived--you all know this already!). Some days I just wanted to show my child's butt to all the parents. "SEE! It's CUTE, even! NOT what you think!" Wow. I digress.

We're still succeeding. Night time is still dry and day is still chugging along just fine. Tonight, though, I hand washed in the bath tub with a MUCH faster wash rate than last night in the kitchen sink. It also helped that I only had two poopy diapers instead of 4. But so it goes.

I really love all y'all! It makes my heart swell with joy to be a part of something so great right now. God bless each and every one of you!

Flats and Handwashing Challenge, Day 3

 Last night was so much fun. Really. Okay, that's sarcasm. I'll tell you why in just a minute. Yesterday was another day of success with the flats! I am, however, realizing that I really do prefer sized diaper covers as opposed to their OS counterparts. They fit so much better. Using the flats definitely gives a trimmer fit (when I fold it right!), and wow, who knew both my kiddos are on the smaller side of a medium? We went through about the same amount of diapers both days so far. Between my two, we use about 10-12 flats and 7-8 covers. Yesterday was a bit of a pooper, too. Had I done some better folding (or had my 11 month old kept still for 1 minute), it might have contained the poop and saved the cover from contamination, but, so it goes! Still room to go with the limit.

When it came down to washing the diapers last night, it was nearly midnight and my two were still going. Cranky, of course. I know, I'm an awful mommy for letting them be up so late, but some days it's easier to just let them wear themselves out than to fight with forcing them to sleep, right? But this is about my diapering. I went with literally hand washing last night. I ditched the plunger. I did use the bucket, but I still didn't feel like my diapers were coming clean enough. I emptied it out into the tub and donned my fancy (ha ha) purple rubber gloves and went to town scrubbing each diaper, one by one (like I said, about 12, so hardly a terribly time consuming task). I felt much better about the cleanliness.

My drying time hasn't been incredibly awful, but still, for the thin blankets I'm using, I'm really a bit surprised they don't dry faster. I should wring the out better, I know. But when you've got two kiddos at your feet "helping," well, you all know what I'm saying! There are about 4 still drying on my rack, but I've got enough that are dry to get me through until those are dry. Works out just right. My biggest complaint about hang drying (other than putting them on a drying rack and not a clothesline--don't have one, I live in an apartment) is how STIFF they come out. I pop and wad and wave them around to get a little bit of softness into them, but they're still stiff. I'm going to figure this out, yet!

About 4 am this morning Olivia woke up vomiting and each time it would come up, it would also come out the other end. I most definitely wanted to throw in the towel, or throw out the blanket as it were. Then I immediately felt guilty because if all I had were flats, I most definitely would not have the option to switch up to a "better" diaper. In fact, I can't even really say why I wanted to switch to something else, it's all the same, except for folding a clean one to put on. Tonight I will have a couple prepped and ready, just in case. (She is fine this morning, I think it was something she ate.)

So, day three, here we are, and I'm still okay with using my flats. Sure, I've wanted to grab my others a few times in the past two days, but for no real reason. The flats are completely functional and so far, leak free! Really, I love this challenge.

Flats and Handwashing Challenge, Day 2

We made it through Day 1 of the challenge. I went through more diapers than I anticipated, though! I pulled out the hooded towels. So far, I have not needed them today. I guess yesterday was the heavy load to attempt to discourage me from the flats! Not done, however, we're still flattin' it up!

Washing the diapers last night in my camp style washer was an experience indeed. I ended up cracking the lid a good bit. In the end, I was using my hands, which made me feel a bit like I was doing more cleaning, anyway. I do like using the bucket, though.

Last night I ended up using a flat and a prefold on both my little ones. They were both dry upon waking. With the overwhelming success I've read about, I'm going to stick with just the flats tonight.

I'm really glad everyone is having such luck with the challenge so far! I do wish I had some "real" flats and not just the blankets I'm using. I'm sure they'd be more absorbent than the thin blankets we have. Alas, I will not spend the money on them at this point in time, especially when part of this is all about saving money and making do with what we've got!

I wonder how many people will pull flats into their regular rotation of diapers after this? I know I probably will.

Flats and Handwashing Challenge, Day 1

Day 1 of the flats challenge!

My flats consist of 10 receiving blankets and 12 Gerber flats. I know, the Gerber flats have often been called Gerber crap, but I decided to go ahead and give them a shot. If all else fails, I've got some nice cleaning rags. And James seems to like to use it as a love-y. I did, of course, do a trial run with them first. No, they are not super absorbent or a fantastic flat by any means, but they do hold up for at least one pee. I'm using 4 Thirsties covers and one Prowrap.

I have not mastered the folds, so we're just using the pad fold for right now. I can do the Kite fold, but I only have ONE snappi. How did that happen, right? Well, I've mostly just used pockets and AIO's in the past. I have diaper pins, but with my wigglers, those are not very fun to apply! No worries, though! It's all good. I am psyched for the challenge!

Okay, I took a break and came back to it. Check out this Origami fold!!
I'm quite proud of myself. It shall get better as we fold more and more! So far, so good with the challenge. The real challenge comes tonight when I do the first washing!

Flats and Handwashing Challenge -- How I'm Preparing

I only just decided to participate in the challenge this morning.  The prepping for the challenge has been underway, regardless, since I began to consider participating.  I do need to purchase a few more items, or try to round them up, anyway.

As of right now, I have some receiving blankets that we'll be using.  I've yet to decide if I'm going to purchase an actual flat diaper.  I've been searching for used flats to no avail.  I have one Snappi that I'm sure will be used a time or two, but I prefer to use diaper pins, I think.

I'm going to fashion my camp-style washer today and continue to practice with my folding!

This was my first attempt at what I thought was a kite fold.  It's okay, I laughed, too!

Flats and Handwashing Challenge

Okay folks, this is it!  I'm joining up in Dirty Diaper Laundry's Flats and Handwashing Challenge.  Oh good Lordy, WHY OH WHY would you submit yourself to such ICK?  Well, I'm glad you asked.  I started cloth diapering my daughter when she turned 1.  I probably wouldn't have even considered cloth diapering IF I had heard about it while I was pregnant with her, but when baby number two started cooking, I heard about it and thought, "Wow, I could really save some money!"  So, I did my research and despite all the confused, baffled looks (some were even the "I'll just humor you for now and I'll laugh and say I told you so when you throw your arms in the air in surrender to the TRASH you so easily disregard now") and discouraging words that came my way, I dived in and did it.  Cloth today is so much nicer than it was in the past! DD turned 2 over a month ago, and though we had some disposable moments (daycare, especially...that's an entirely differently blog that I didn't do), we're still cloth diapering.  The cuteness, the fluff, the good green feeling (no, not the green I'm going to spew any minute green...more like the fresh cut grass green)...it just works for me and my little ones.

Okay, so now I get to the part about why I want to regress a few decades and do the flats challenge.  Well, being that I am a cloth diapering addict, I don't think I could hear about a challenge that includes cloth and simply look the other way.  I have to admit, I was really on the fence about it until, oh, an hour ago.  While trying a "new" cloth method can be fun, this one is definitely dirty.  I had to stop and think about it. What it comes down to...the biggest challenge of the challenge for me will be the actual handwashing of the diapers.  I already rinse my diapers (ya know, the poopy ones), and for a while it has been completely by hand until I just recently (last week--funny, huh?)  reinstalled my diaper sprayer.  So the real work will be in the agitating and being a washing machine.  What's the worst that can come of this?  Some muscle toning?  Snickering on the part of my friends and siblings?  All in all, nothing terrible.

AND THINK OF THE MONEY I'LL BE SAVING!  Perhaps not a huge heaping load, but I do wash diapers at typically every 1-2 days.  This is a key reason to participate.  I think it speaks for itself, so I'm not going to say anything else about that.

After this, I can take that camping trip and be the hip(pie?) mom that keeps on the green in the green. (Good Lord, I am incredibly entertaining to myself!)

My Weekend Review

On Friday afternoon we drove on down (actually, it's UP) to Marksville.  We spent the majority of the afternoon at granny's house, talkin' about the upcoming flood and playing outside. I left her house with a bag of dolls, newborn baby clothes (she swiped them when my cousin was getting rid of them, I don't need them, but they are cute!), a bag of material/fabric, and a small sewing box filled with thread.  I've yet to go through the material, again, but I am excited to attempt sewing.  Which reminds me, she said I'd need oil for the machine.  Do newer machines need that?

Anyway, after that, we made the short drive to my parent's house where I discovered I no longer had a key...or at least not with me!  Thankfully my phone had service, so I called granny back up and she rescued us with a key.  We played inside and watched Charlotte's Web while we waited on momo to get home.  I decided to don some makeup for the Travis Tritt concert, but decided against the contacts.  I wore my big red, nerdy glasses, just so I was sure I could see him! Finally, momo made it home and I ran off to the casino to see one of my all time favorite singers!

His show was absolutely fantastic.  At the last song, I rushed the stage (they wouldn't let anyone go up there before that) and made it almost directly in front of him!  I got a few decent pictures, I guess.  It was mostly just nice to be in the presence of some great music.  In his very last encore song, he shook people's hands in the front, which means mine, too!  It wasn't the normal touch and go type, he actually took the time to grasp and shake! It was very nice.  He was very nice.  This was even his second time coming to the casino to play!  I think he must be a pretty decent man, too, if he'd come back to a small town like this to play when he can have sold out larger venues!

Not the best picture, but I like it, anyway.

Saturday morning we were up pretty early, which is no different from most mornings.  Only difference was Olivia was still zonked out with her momo.  James and I scooted on over to granny's house, again, so mommy could get some coffee and rock and talk with granny.  I used to do that every morning when we still lived in Marksville.  I miss it!  I'll always be able to cherish those times I was able to go, though!  Anyhow.  We sat and talked and my cousin came over with her youngest, then another cousin with her baby.  Our kids are all about the same age, so they can play together.  They decided to be shy, though, and didn't really play with each other much.  Eventually the other little girl came around and they played with dolls.  Olivia also managed to walk away with even more dolls (this girl LOVES any sort of doll or stuffed animal and loves them all individually--she's a little mama!).  She slept with her "favorite" one when we got home Saturday night.  It's the doll she's always played with every time we visited granny.  I suppose we would have left it there, but being faced with the flood, granny was trying to get rid of some things.

We made our way back to Lafayette just in time for me to make it to the Elemeno Pee Backyard Cloth Diaper Sale AKA Resale. I was very excited for this event, and even ditched the moving party going on at my parent's house in preparation for the flood (I'm not sad that I missed this, but I did feel a tad guilty even though they assured me I was not needed, especially since I'd be mostly busy watching my babies, anyway). I got there just in time for the sale to start, which was only slotted to last an hour!  I loaded up with about 13 new diapers, all in excellent used condition, and all from only one mama! I was sure glad she showed up with her many boxes of diaper treasure! I walked out with 2 shorties (1 WAHM, 1 thumbelina diapers), 2 thirsties covers, 1 bummis super whisper wrap cover, 1 Lovelybums wool cover, 1 daisy doodles AIO, 1 WAHM AIO, 2 BSRB fitteds, 2 pampered cheeks fitteds, and 1 firefly diaper fitted! The best part? I got all that for $73!!!!

Saturday afternoon when I checked the mail, I had a slip informing me of a package in the office, but I was already too late to retrieve it, which meant no package til Monday!

Sunday morning James and I woke up early, and started our normal, daily routine.  Milk for him, coffee for me.  He watches Turbo Dogs, Pearlie, Babar, Sesame Street, or Sheldon or something similarly decent while I read up on the night folks' posts and whatnot.  Then Olivia comes strolling into the room, rubbing her sleepy eyes, climbs into my lap and rests her head on my shoulder.  Only then does she notice that James is up and playing already.  She says to me, "Oh! I not wake up James.  He wake up his self."  (She's two, c'mon! She'll learn to talk better....I sincerely hope, we do the correcting and such.)  She was pretty surprised, since it's usually her that wakes him up during the day.  But I digress.  We got ready for church and headed out.  I ran into my small group members there and we sat together for the service.  I normally sit with my sister, but she's in GA living it up at Korean spas, swimming in a nice pool, and eating boiled seafood.  It was nice to see people other than relatives and sit with them, like I belonged.  I didn't even feel uncomfortable...well, maybe a couple times when I had no idea what they were talking about, but it didn't last long, and they always included me when they talked, even when they knew I didn't know what they were talking about.  Anyhow, it was a nice service with nice friends.

Sunday evening we went to one of my sister's houses and had supper with her and her husband.  It was nice to visit with them for a while.  They couldn't share in my excitement for my new cloth diapers, though!  They don't any kids (YET, I say).  Maybe one day she'll understand!  Or not, not everyone can get into the cloth diaper love.

Today has been rather uneventful other than my endless attempts at cleaning.  I also had a big old tension headache most of the afternoon that stifled any whole-hearted attempts at cleaning.  One of the sisters did come over for lunch, and she was kind enough to retrieve my box at the office.  The box was from a mama on DiaperSwappers. She didn't post pictures,  but had a brief summary of the contents.  She said she could not post pictures, so really I prepared for the worst, but took the chance that it would be worth what I spent on it.  I suppose it was.  I probably would have made it about $20 cheaper, myself.  Granted there were about 20 something diapers included in the box.  Mostly diaper covers and empty pockets...that are really old.  I haven't taken really good pictures yet, but I will eventually.  There are about 25 flannel wipes that were included and that excites me.  Really wasn't crazy about the prints, but Olivia loved it.  They are very bright, indeed.  Five of them have owls on them, though, and you know how owls are in style right now!  I did snap a quick picture of some of the diapers drying outside on the rack (apartment life, sigh).

I need to take pictures of all my newest diapers. Or heck, even my whole stash that I have right now.  

Anyway, I guess that about sums it up!  Tomorrow, who knows what will happen! 

Diapers and Shelves

Yesterday's cloth diapering appointment was nice.  I guess because I enjoy talking about something I know a little bit about is enjoyable.  I really feel like I talk too much sometimes.  Anyhow, I walked out of the door with two new Thirsties Duo Fab Fitteds.  I got a the Mango and Orchid colors.  The orchid is lavender/purple, and the very first non-gender neutral diaper I've gotten!  I purchased these diapers for the nighttime.  I'm still in the process of prepping them (wash 7 or 8).  They will be ready tonight, and I can't wait!  I've been using BumGenius  3.0 OS pockets double stuffed.  That system works pretty well for my babies on most nights, but I am ready for a more comfortable alternative. I also purchased a Little Beetles OS organic merino wool cover. I have yet to purchase any Lanolin, so it isn't ready, yet, but I plan to remedy that today (I forgot yesterday).  And, finally, I bought a FuzziBunz Hanging Diaper Pail, Crushed Berries. Olivia was very pleased with this and dug it out of the bag and held it 'til we got home.

I bought some WAHM wool, all recycled from DiaperSwappers.  I'm actually very pleased with it, despite the little flaws and repairs they need.  I suppose because I've never had any other wool before!  I got it for an excellent price, though. And for me to just try it out, I think they're perfect!  So far, they've worked fabulously!  I have yet to take any decent pictures of either kiddo sporting some, though.  That shall come!

I went in search of some wall mounted shelving yesterday, as well, and I came up empty handed.  A friend directed me to IKEA's website and I was pleasantly pleased to find exactly what I wanted, only to be incredibly upset that EVERY item I wanted was unavailable online.   So, I browsed around some more online and found the Container Store, which I also loved.  Those prices, however, are just a bit over my budget. Regardless, I think I've figured out what I want to put up in the living room for the books and for the DVDs.  It would be fantastic to have thousands of dollars to spend on organizational items!   I could use some more organization in my life!  I know I don't need those things and can make do with something...crafted to serve the same purpose. My mom was amazing at building and making things.  I often feel like I've got the same creativity within me, but I lack the ambition or some other critical element to make it happen.  C'est la vie!

It's Wednesday.

Last night I attended my first Small Group from church.  They were all extremely friendly.  Everyone brought their children along.  I think the oldest may have been about 8.  And the youngest was James (nearly 1).  One of the couples has 4 kids! All girls--just like my family I grew up with.  (Honestly, it made me want another child!  But, that just won't happen right now!)  We had sandwiches and chips to eat.  There were also brownies.  Olivia did not eat one because she was having so much fun playing with the girls.  She cried when it was time to leave.  We discussed Luke 12:1-34.  I actually spoke and didn't have much anxiety about being around new people. I probably said too much, though! I thought about reading, but I wasn't quite ready to do that.  Once upon a time I was a pretty good narrator, but it has been so long since I've needed to read anything aloud.  Well, that's not true, I read to Olivia and James every day!  But I digress. It was good times and I'm happy that I decided to join a small group.

Olivia is the next youngest in the group.  Above her is another little girl, who is almost 3.  She's potty trained.  Olivia was wearing a Babyland cloth diaper (I knew better, but I was down to those, the rest were all in the wash!). I even doubled stuffed it with some prefolds, but alas, she peed on one of the little girls laps, and it went right through that diaper!  I don't know why I even keep them!  Maybe they need some stripping or something.  I don't know.  Regardless, it was incredibly embarrassing!

I have an appointment today with a diaper consultant.  I hope I don't spend too much money, but I  know I'll buy a few things.  If nothing else, some flats for possibly participating in the Flats and Handwashing Challenge. I plan on going over wool and how to care for it.  I bought some off of Diaperswappers and I haven't the first idea how to take care of it, other than it does not need to be washed very often.  That seems incredibly unsanitary, I know, but wool has some antimicrobial properties and such. Anyhow, that appointment is at 1 pm.  It's already close to 8:30 am.  I have a good bit to do before then. Cleaning.

I like cleaning on some days, but I have not had any of those here of late.  My children are fantastic at destroying and undoing the cleaning I've done. It would help if I were more organized, which I always long for, but rarely achieve.  But on that note, I really must get to work!

It's all about the babies!

Okay, lets try this, again! I'm going to start blogging about my day to day staying at home with my two lovely babies, Olivia and James.

I cloth diaper and I'm addicted to it! I have mostly blogged on my livejournal account, but it's private, mostly. So, there aren't any recent entries here, but there will be!! It will all be public.

My most recent endeavor is wool covers and shorties/longies. Also, I'm seriously considering participating in the Flats and Hand washing challenge! (http://dirtydiaperlaundry.com/take-the-flats-and-handwashing-challenge-may-23-30/)

Also, I'm going to start learning to sew and knit and/or crochet. I'm going to track all my progress (or lack thereof) here!

It's a sleepy afternoon, but I'll manage.

I haven't posted since last Thursday (0bviously). That's a bit off for me. I suppose the best reasons (though they're all excuses) is that I've been incredibly moody and cranky. I'd hate to make a long complainy post. Regardless, here's a new one.

I'm in a mostly decent mood this afternoon. I never like proclaiming my good moods, because that always seems to shoo them away. But considering that my moods are all lasting for about 30 minutes tops right now, I don't guess it really matters.

I'm completely exhausted right now. I'm having one of those sixth hour class moments where you dose off and your head starts droop forward, then you wake up and nearly give yourself whiplash. I'd love nothing more than a nap. Okay, that's not entirely true, I could think of a lot more that I'd love than just a nap, but a nap would be a fine starting point.

I received the editor's guide for American Book Publishing today. That's exciting. It really makes me want to head off to Barnes and Noble and buy the Chicago Manual of Style (which I'll probably do, even though most of the guidelines can be found online) just so I'll have it for reference. I need to read through the guide they sent to me, too. I'm nervous and excited about receiving my first manuscript. I hope that it isn't for a seasoned author, or if it is, that they can't tell I'm brand new! It's also a bit inspiring to start working on my own stories and such. Maybe I'll do that this weekend while I'm watching the boat drag races. Then again, maybe not. I really do enjoy watching the boats. I especially love the roaring engines!

In a week I'll get to see my childhood best friend! I don't think I've seen her for about six years now. Seems crazy that it's been that long, but I'm pretty sure that it has. We're going to go out to dinner and spend some time catching up, but ultimately we won't have too much time together since B and I are leaving for Las Vegas that Saturday. (SQUEEE! 11 more days!)

Going back to the writing my own stories, my laptop is nearly dead. That makes me pretty sad. I think I can get it back to a decent condition, but probably not the best. I really want a new one, but there's just no available funds for that. Well.....there's credit, but that doesn't count. I cannot make a big purchase like that at this point in my life, not considering my current condition.

Andybody wanna buy me a laptop as a wedding gift?? Which reminds me, I need to stop by the apartment tonight on my way to my parents' place and pick up the Target registry cards.

I just wrote that reminder on my hand, and how it made me long for a tattoo. It has been too long. K is going to go without me, or at least get one while I watch. But there's no way I can get one now, or even afford to get one. Heck, I can't even afford to want one right now. Saddening. Really.

Anyhow. That's your update (hardly) for now.

Not my best moments.

I was extremely emotional yesterday. The crying didn't end at work. It just went on and on and on. I was going to go to my parents' house for dinner last night, but I just couldn't stop crying at every little thing. So, instead I went home, ate some dinner, and went to bed...at 6pm. I didn't get up till 6am this morning. I slept some, but not as much as I'd have liked for being in bed that long. I'd wake up here and there and be up for about 30 minutes to an hour, then I'll fall back asleep.

I made breakfast this morning. Eggs and bacon. I fixed coffee and poured me a small cup. I couldn't even take two sips of it. I just don't like it, anymore. Which is good, considering caffiene is pretty bad for me in this state anyhow.

I have a cold, I think. It sucks. My head is entirely too congested. I can't stand without feeling dizzy. I cough and blow my nose a million times a day. I'm a little worried that I have fever right now. But I have no idea where to go for this. I suppose if I start to feel worse, I can call my OB/GYN and let them know. They'll tell me what I should do. I'm only hesitant because I haven't been there yet. My first appointment is on July 29th. I also hesistate because sometimes I think I might be a bit of a hypochondriac. On top of the awful congestion, and probably because of, I have a huge headache this morning. And my sides hurt. I just want to get to my first appointment so I can find out that everything is okay. I've never been a patient person.

And my wrists hurt. I think I have carpel tunnel. Really.

And speaking of patience, or lack thereof, my nerves are pretty bad today. I'm not sure that getting off of my medication will turn out to be such a good idea, afterall. But I'm really worried about risks involved with taking the meds. See, if I could just have a damn appointment already, I wouldn't be stressing over this right now. Oh, stress.

This job is SERIOUSLY stressing me out. I'm definitely to the point of dread each morning when I wake up to get ready for work. I have nightmares about being trapped here. I have seriously got to find another job. I can't take this, it affects my mind and physical state way too much in a negative way.

Oh, how I wish I could be a stay at home mom. Pregnancy is a job all in itself! What with all the emotions and stress, it's really wearing. Of course, I already have enough issues that I'm sure it's just that much more intense for me. I guess most normal women can handle it.
I hate not having any money. If I didn't have all these damn bills to pay, I would just stay at home. But, nope, I have way too many bills not to work. Student loans, Credit card (at least that isn't plural), car insurance, car note (I can't wait to be DONE with that in Dec), rent, electricity, cable, bills from ER visit. SIGH. I want to just sit here and cry thinking about it.
I can't keep stressing like this. But I certainly can't seem to calm down this week.

I really do feel very very very irritable right now. I mean, I feel so yucky I could seriously almost tell my boss to take this job and shove it. But I can't. I don't just work for him. Work, work, work.

Two weeks, two days, and I'll be off to Las Vegas. I can handle that, right? I can manage not to go stark raving mad between now and then, right?

I need to get prenatal vitamins and a yoga pregnancy DVD or something. I just need to KNOWWWWWWWW and I'm so mad that I don't know yet. And I don't have money to get those things right now, anyway. I don't have money for one damn thing.

My nerves are escalating downward at an unreal pace. Not even writing is helping right now. I don't think I'll be able to stay off of my medicine.

I need a place to cry.

And how does that make you feel?

I had two therapy appointments today. One with the psychiatrist, and one with the therapist. My doctor said it was okay for me to stay off the Cymbalta for now, since I'm still not sure. He says plenty people go off the meds for the duration of the pregnancy and are okay, but if the need to treat the depression/anxiety becomes great enough, they have to treat me. He says he thinks that staying on the cymbalta will be fine, but that I should talk to my OB/GYN first. They may want me to be on Zoloft or Prozac as those have had definite "okays" throughout numerous pregnancies. He did, however, suggest that if I do stay off the medication for the pregnancy that I at least keep up with therapy once a week. But he really thinks I'll be okay on the cymbalta. So I just have to call him and let him know as soon as I know what the OB/GYN says.

My therapist was surprised, but genuinely happy (or a good actress) about all the great stressors (the good type) happening in my life right now. I have another appointment with her on the 31st, right before I leave for Vegas. I know that's two weeks away, but I was hoping that I'd know more about the medication by the next visit.

She seemed pleased with my accomplishments, and it made me happy to know that at least there is one other person that realizes my efforts for what they really hard. It's really exhausting to care everyday, but I really, really want to. Today, I actually would have loved to have had a recording of my session with her, because I think it was an accomplishment, even for me, in the way I responded to what's been going on in life lately (A LOT).

My memory is shot. I can't remember much, so I definitely don't remember the last thing I posted. This morning feels like it was days ago.

I didn't have coffee this morning. I'm still not sure if I should cut that out completely or not. I've read that it's okay to have a cup or two each day. By 5pm, I did have a Mochassippi, though. I was so thirsty and CC's was too close to pass up! And it was really yummy, too! Then I went to Chili's with M. It was great to sit and talk with her for a while. I really hope she finds "her way."

I've been incredibly snotty the past couple days. I've been sneezing like mad at work. It drives me nutty. I have a box of Puffs everywhere that I go! Is it a cold? Or is it the thinning of the mucous membranes because I'm pregnant that makes me congested? I really think it's a cold.

Today was the first day I was really nauseated all morning long. So much so, I even brought along an icecream bucket lined with a plastic bag...just in cases! (If you've seen Love, Actually--and if you haven't you should!--you'll get the bad grammar there.) It finally subsided after lunch. But riding around town with my mom didn't help it any. I really think during these nine months I will most definitely be driving everywhere I go; no riding along.I have a bit of a headache right now and I'm really tired. All afternoon I've just wanted to take a nap. And it makes me that much more exhausted to think of waking up for work tomorrow.

OH!! Speaking of work! Remember that I sent in my resume for a copy editor position? Wellllllll, I got a response!!!

Kerry,Thank you for your interest in ABP! I'm excited about your enthusiasm for editing and your experience in writing. We are definitely interested in hiring you as an editor.

Awesome, no? I think it's a great opportunity. It will offer wonderful experience! I'm looking forward to it!

Anyway, I'm so tired and I should get to bed, I guess. Have a good night, folks!

Here comes the rain, again.

I'm pretty irritable this afternoon. I've been trying to make calls all day. I feel pretty lost about what I'm supposed to do. The gynecologist I've always seen is in Alexandria. I'm not setting up an appointment there. So, I don't have a doctor. I thought I needed to have a doctor confirm that I'm pregnant, but after calling a few health units, it seems that most ob/gyn offices don't have to have a second verification; the two at home tests should be enough.

In the midst, and perhaps height, of my irritation, the LaMOMS lady called (it's a program that pays for all prenatal care, delivery, and up to 60 days postnatal care for families under a certain income, which we happen to fall into) and said I just needed proof of my work/salary faxed over, and everything should be set up by Thursday. She said I probably shouldn't schedule an appointment until after that, so that I know I'll be covered. At least that. BUUUUUUUUT. The office manager isn't in today (completely unreliable) and I don't know if I can get the information I need from her today. None of which would be a problem if they just provided check stubs each paycheck.

My back hurts. My head hurts. I'm incredibly sleepy. I get no sleep at night. None! I toss and turn and no matter how I get, I'm never comfortable. I think I need my granny recliner from my sister's. I have a feeling I might be sleeping in that chair a good bit for the next nine months.



And what if something happens? I gotta tell you, it sucks telling people and getting excited right now, because what if it doesn't carry on? What if I miscarry or something like that? It's just SCARY.

Anyway, I'm still at work. My nerves are really short, but I guess I need to try to get something else done.

Good News.

I'm pregnant!!!!!

That deserves a line all in itself. This is earlier than I expected it to be, but it's all good. I'm happy and Ben's happy, and that's what matters. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I've taken two tests and both have said "pregnant." My sister's boyfriend says HCG don't lie. I was planning to take a half a day tomorrow anyway, because I have two therapy appointments. I guess I'll spend all day in and out of doctors' offices.

By my own calculations, I'll be due mid March. The changes are already crazy. Just thinking that I have a life growing inside of me is crazy. Mind blowing. O.O

My family all seems pretty excited, too. I'm happy. I know my nephew will be really happy, too. My sisters tell me that he asked me a couple weeks ago for a baby, though I have no recollection of that at all. But there ya go, he's getting what he asked for!

So much is happening in my life right now. Marriage, pregnancy, looking for a new house and a new job...the list goes on, but those are the biggest, most stressful (both good and bad stress) items.

The most prominent changes have to include the smells and the achiness! Everything smells and everything hurts. I really keep waiting for my period to start becuase I cramp so much. But no such signs. I feel like I need to take a million more tests, just to be sure. But that's what the doctor visit will be about tomorrow.

Smells, achiness, and NO SLEEP. I don't think I've ever had that much trouble sleeping in my life!

Anyway, more later, I guess I need to work, now.

When the world keeps coming down on me I let it go!

The shame! I did not make an entry yesterday. Maybe I'll make up for it today by making two posts. Oh, but you shall just have to wait and see. I know the suspense might be dreadful, but you can handle it.

Yesterday was pretty uneventful, for me, at least. I woke up and did my normal AM Yoga routine, made some coffee, took a shower, watched a portion of The Early Show, came to work, went home, cleaned the kitchen and took out the trash, ate dinner, and went to bed. Of course I could fill that in and take up pages upon pages of mundane details, but what's the point of boring you all to death with that? Maybe next time.

I'm trying to decided where to take my bridal photos. There are really just so many options. I know the one fact; I want them to be outside. I've always had an immense love for trees (I rarely hug them, though). Of course, I want trees to be a part of the background. Big, gnarly, old and wise trees! Sunshine. Water. Old buildings. Okay, call me crazy, but I'd be in hog heaven if I could take pictures by a really old abandoned church with an old cemetery. My love for the middle ground between here and there has never faulted. What? Morbid? Aww, c'mon! It would be unique, I bet. Not that I'm striving to be all individualistic or anything.

Oh! One of my sisters bought me some awesome shoes to wear with my dress (as I may have mentioned before), and those have to come through in some of the pictures. R also mentioned wearing the big black boots that are the typical "me" shoe (in actuality, I hardly ever wore them--my slob style always won over the fun side). I may also drag along some of those. At this moment, but only this moment, I sort of regret (oh, I just don't like that word) passing them along to S a few years ago. So it goes!

What if I get my dress dirty while I'm taking pictures? I can think of some fun pictures to take, but it would surely soil my dress! And I can't wait to have it cleaned, again. I'm starting to wonder if I should wait until AFTER I get married to do the bridal session. That way I can take the fun pictures, and not worry about it getting dirty, because it'll have to be cleaned then, anyway. Or, I can always have a session before and after. Hrm. There's a thought.

I'm at work. I know, you're not surprised. Every entry I've made has been while I'm at work. I can't help it. I need this me time to push along the day. Of course, today it's more of a "to get the day going" sort of entry. I've hardly done anything. In my defense, I did do a couple things for work. I'm not a complete slacker. I long for the days of being able to work at my own leisure. Those days won't come without some hard working years behind it, or as it were, ahead of it. I just confused myself, I think.

This weekend we're (myself, B, & K) going to B's parents' place. They're having a small get-together in honor of our upcoming elopement. His aunt and uncle have a nice built in pool. I plan to swim. They can gawk at my enormous hips and thighs if they will, I have no cares. I want to swim and relax in a pool.

I'm actually looking forward to the drive. It's been a while since I just drove for a while. The sun will be out, and I can roll the windows all the way down and blast some good insterstate-driving music. Speaking of, I wonder what ever happened to that cd my brother in law made years and years ago. It was fun. I have fond memories of trips back and forth to Lafayette, singing along with Cowboy Mouth. Except for that time the bird flew into the car and hit the back window. Well, okay, it's not very fond for the bird, I'm sure, as it was ultimately his last memory, but I sure can't help laughing about it now.

I'm trying not to stress over life. Pick up rings, send B's ring back, get B a new ring, decide on location for photo session, apply for new job, find a house, B needs a car, tell my boss I quit when I get a new job...Okay, that doesn't sound so bad. No need to stress! It's been said over and over again, but with an indisposable cash flow, those items would not be in the least bit stressful. Well, telling my boss I'm going to a new job might still be, but that's a different issue all together.

And speaking of different issues, I'm looking forward to my two therapy appointments next week. I'm a bit nervous about the one with the psychiatrist, because I've only seen him once before. I'm definitely ready for the one with the therapist, though. That hour flies by! It really is helping me. It makes a huge difference when you really want the help. I'm getting better! Yay. Make that, YAY! But of course I couldn't do it without my loving and supportive family (and I'm not just saying that because they made read this, I mean it!).

Okay, time for some work.

Tossing rocks along the way...

Well, I did it. I submitted my resume for an editor (copy) position. It's through email. This is basically something I would do in my time off from my current job; my night and weekend job. I don't get the whole pay deal. It says, "Five percent book royalty income paid as compensation for content editing work." I assume that means payment later rather than sooner. But my main goal in this is to see IF I even like that sort of work. And on top of that, I really doubt I'll be seriously considered for it, since I have absolutely no experience in the workfield with that. I have done that sort of deal while I was in school.

I also got off my ass and printed out some state applications for a couple different state jobs. Well, three to be exact. Two at ULL (would love to work there--hello free graduate classes), and one at the University Medical Center in the Radiology department. All secretarial work, of course. All three jobs offer (1) more money and (2) benefits! I could also get direct deposit there! I miss direct deposit. It sucks running around after work and over the weekend trying to get my check cashed or deposited. It was nice when it would go through late on Thursday nights. I'm really hoping that I could get one of these positions. It would be SO MUCH better for me than what I'm doing now. Working at the university has other benefits as well. As I so vaguely (hah!) mentioned before, I could take free classes! I would completely love that. I can use their recreation center for exercise and swimming and what not. I think it'd be cool, anyway. It could be another job straight out of hell, for I all I really know.

The hospital I wouldn't mind working for, either. I'd probably get to wear scrubs, and that takes a lot of guesswork out of getting dressed in the mornings. Simple, and usually pretty cute (since I've been into that whole girly cuteness lately). We shall see!

I'm (finally!) going to the jeweler at lunch today to get my ring resized. B needs to get his resized, too. It's about a half size too big. I'm not sure if I should stick with the 7.5 or go down to the 7. The 7.5 is a little loose, but not too bad. I'm just afraid of my hands swelling and it not fitting. BUT in the winter, and when my hands get cold, it could just fly right off. I better go with the 7, which means I need to resize both my wedding band and engagement ring. Oh, fun, fun, fun.

I was going to get B a wedding gift, but then K pointed out to me that I've already bought the wedding ceremony, plane tickets, and room for the whole thing. I don't think I need to do anything else, really. So, that's that, at least. No more expenses to stress over there. I am, however, letting other expenses stress me out. Bills, bills, bills. The story of all our lives, I'm sure.

I really don't get how people live, sometimes. It's just unreal. We need another vehicle and a house. Anyone care to donate to the cause? Of course not, you're all poor, too!! And then I turn on the TV and see millions of dollars being paid for PICTURES of babies. I just don't get it. How did it get to this? It does no good to complain about it, I know. Celebrities will continue to rake it all in without lifting a freaking pinky, while we all slave away at work. And I'm sure they had to work somewhere along the lines. They're just better at selling themselves. I guess they deserve a cookie. I just wouldn't mind a little nibble once in a while!

I won't back down.

I sneeze all day while I'm at work. I do believe this supports my theory; I'm allergic to work! In the very least, I'm allergic to this place.

I found out some AWFUL news from a co-worker this morning. My boss was getting some files from an agent's office yesterday. While he was there, he was so concerned about getting the damned files that he let the dogs out. Now, I've been to this office before. Their dogs are their children! It's been said that one of the dogs got ran over. :( Well, my boss just buzzed me and made ME call to tell them we're done with what he got and so forth, because HE didn't want to talk to them after what he did! UGH! "I let the dogs out and didn't stick around to see if they got them all back or not." He really can be such an ass sometimes! Well, at least when I talked to them they sounded okay, so hopefully the doggie is also okay.

In other news, B and I got our rings yesterday! They're beautiful! I can't wait to wear it. I really am completely psyched about being married to him; spending my life with him. I keep dreaming of how the holidays will be, having babies, and growing old together. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's not all lollipops. It just feels great to finally be where I want to in life (at least for that aspect).

I'm still looking for another job. I spent a good bit of time last night searching online. Man, there are a lot of freelance jobs, but they don't pay very well! Not to mention I'm zilch on the experience, so probably even less than most. A career in writing will definitely take some transition from full time work with that on the side for a while. Then to part time, until eventually (hopefully) I don't even need the part time, and I can just write.

We're having wireless issues at home. I need to get to the bottom of it. I can't use my laptop for internet purposes, not to mention B's computer doesn't have Word on it. How can you not have Word?! (Sure, most people wouldn't use it, but Word is like not having IE or Firefox to me!) So, I'm constantly hopping back and forth between the two. My laptop is also completely out of room. It hardly runs, anymore. It's constantly telling me it's all full! Seriously, resources/memory are so low, it won't even let me transfer files to my Ipod. Crazy, right? I just think it means it's time for a new computer! I'm afraid I won't be getting one of those until I know that my writing can take off. We won't stress over in which direction, though. Perhaps it could be a wedding gift to myself.

And speaking of wedding gift, I need to get something for B. What to get, what to get? We're both paycheck-to-paycheck poor. Maybe I'll get creative and make something. Who knows? Hrm. I have a sweet idea! Okay, it's really not that spectacular considering it's an option that puts me just a bit more in debt (Bad, Kerry, BAD). I'll just have to look at it as an investment! A digital video camera. I know, I know, hardly necessary! But would be incredibly convenient for our trip to Las Vegas. And all the memories will begin to build as husband and wife. Okay, I'm done with the gag-inducing talk.

There was something else I wanted to cover, but I guess that will just have to come later in the day.

Afternoon Madness

And here it is, again. The time of the afternoon when my nerves reach their lowest potential point of the day. The strong urge to scratch at my arms and legs until I feel the burn of layers peeling away grips at me. Concentration is not an option; however, I am able to write. It's probably about the only thing that keeps me sane in the afternoon. Yet, even this fails to occupy my mind appropriately enough to calm me.

I'm completely distracted by thoughts of my upcoming wedding, my fiance's bitter mood today, possibilities of new jobs and careers, and even trying to find blogs worth my time (which is just about any, really, because mostly I just want a distraction from this reality I'm stuck in right now).

My fiance, B, is supposed to drive a Nascar with Richard Petty driving school while we're in Las Vegas. That means this chick needs to get friendly with life and disability insurance information. AND get us signed up before we leave for Vegas on August 2. I'm sure it's possible, but with my easily distracted mind, I can rarely follow options and what's what. Not helping in the matter is the fact that we're incredibly poor right now! I know life insurance isn't really expensive (at least not for reasonable plans). Of course, I need to get in the know about health insurance, too. That's pretty important, and it seems neither of us will be getting that cushy state job with insurance any time soon. But it seems pretty darn impossible to understand all the different options for health insurance. Next Tuesday I have two therapy appointments (with the therapist and the psychiatrist), so I may be able to squeeze in a meeting with an insurance agent while I'm out of work.

Still looking for that on/off switch in my brain.

Starting Over

I'm fighting my emotions today. I woke up, quite cranky, to the sounds of my alarm at 6:30 am. I didn't want to get up to do yoga, but B persisted. I reset my alarm for 7:00 am. Of course, 7:00 am came much too fast, but I managed to roll out of bed, anyhow. Yoga was hardly relaxing. I still have trouble clearing my mind. I concentrate on my breathing and the stretches I'm doing, and before I know it, I'm thinking about that bathing suit cover I need to get before this weekend, how messy the apartment is, and why didn't B clean yesterday while I was gone? Regardless, I made it through the 20 minute morning "workout." I haven't been fixing coffee because I can't stand the cream we got. I think it's gross. Until I buy the kind I like, there's no point in making any.

B finally crawls out of bed at 8:00 am, with complaints of a backache. He slept all day yesterday. Gee, I wonder why his back hurts? Our bed consists of two mattresses piled on top of each other on the floor. Hardly good for the back, especially when you sleep all day. Needless to say, B was also cranky. His mood always rubs off on me way too easily. So there you go, a double helping of crankiness, topped off with complete lack of motivation to work. That means I'm pretty worthless this morning. For the past hour I've been reading up on LJ, Suite101.com, and thinking about how in the world I'm supposed to get a career started in editing/writing. The whole world wants to write. It seems nearly impossible to get your foot caught in that door. But, I guess as my dad (and, well, everyone's dad somewhere along the line, I'm sure) always said, "Where there's a will, there's a way." I just question my will. That is indeed the wrong way to approach anything.

In my last relationship, I found constant antagonism in my attempts to write about my daily life. Once it was all said and done, there came the request for me to write a book about his life. Really? After all the time of the hostility towards anything I wrote about him, now he actually wants me to write about him. All the sense in the world, I tell you. Of course my response was an astounding NO! But now that I'm wanting to get back into writing again, and therapy is helping me to confront all the bad feelings and memories, I find myself wanting to write about that experience. It honestly made me into who I am today. In the past, it really seemed like nothing to write about. Just another chick living day to day in her early twenties. But after reaching this higher state of mind and looking back on what I experienced, and actually reliving some of those memories in my mind, I wonder how I survived it all. Granted, it wasn't...wait, it was life changing. And I sincerely imagine that anyone who went through this would also have changed somehow, be it better or worse.

Question is, okay, questions are, now that I've moved on and am finally experiencing the life I've always wanted, do I revisit the past? Do I put myself through the grueling emotions, again? What would B think of me writing a book all about my ex-boyfriend? Do I really wanna go there, again?

I've decided I really want to be able to be a "stay at home" mom. I know I'd have to work, and writing and editing seems to be one way I really can stay at home while still bringing in an income. I know I'm rusty, but I do recall some praise from at least one professor once upon a time. I can do this. I just need to find the starting line.