It's a sleepy afternoon, but I'll manage.

I haven't posted since last Thursday (0bviously). That's a bit off for me. I suppose the best reasons (though they're all excuses) is that I've been incredibly moody and cranky. I'd hate to make a long complainy post. Regardless, here's a new one.

I'm in a mostly decent mood this afternoon. I never like proclaiming my good moods, because that always seems to shoo them away. But considering that my moods are all lasting for about 30 minutes tops right now, I don't guess it really matters.

I'm completely exhausted right now. I'm having one of those sixth hour class moments where you dose off and your head starts droop forward, then you wake up and nearly give yourself whiplash. I'd love nothing more than a nap. Okay, that's not entirely true, I could think of a lot more that I'd love than just a nap, but a nap would be a fine starting point.

I received the editor's guide for American Book Publishing today. That's exciting. It really makes me want to head off to Barnes and Noble and buy the Chicago Manual of Style (which I'll probably do, even though most of the guidelines can be found online) just so I'll have it for reference. I need to read through the guide they sent to me, too. I'm nervous and excited about receiving my first manuscript. I hope that it isn't for a seasoned author, or if it is, that they can't tell I'm brand new! It's also a bit inspiring to start working on my own stories and such. Maybe I'll do that this weekend while I'm watching the boat drag races. Then again, maybe not. I really do enjoy watching the boats. I especially love the roaring engines!

In a week I'll get to see my childhood best friend! I don't think I've seen her for about six years now. Seems crazy that it's been that long, but I'm pretty sure that it has. We're going to go out to dinner and spend some time catching up, but ultimately we won't have too much time together since B and I are leaving for Las Vegas that Saturday. (SQUEEE! 11 more days!)

Going back to the writing my own stories, my laptop is nearly dead. That makes me pretty sad. I think I can get it back to a decent condition, but probably not the best. I really want a new one, but there's just no available funds for that. Well.....there's credit, but that doesn't count. I cannot make a big purchase like that at this point in my life, not considering my current condition.

Andybody wanna buy me a laptop as a wedding gift?? Which reminds me, I need to stop by the apartment tonight on my way to my parents' place and pick up the Target registry cards.

I just wrote that reminder on my hand, and how it made me long for a tattoo. It has been too long. K is going to go without me, or at least get one while I watch. But there's no way I can get one now, or even afford to get one. Heck, I can't even afford to want one right now. Saddening. Really.

Anyhow. That's your update (hardly) for now.

I won't back down.

I sneeze all day while I'm at work. I do believe this supports my theory; I'm allergic to work! In the very least, I'm allergic to this place.

I found out some AWFUL news from a co-worker this morning. My boss was getting some files from an agent's office yesterday. While he was there, he was so concerned about getting the damned files that he let the dogs out. Now, I've been to this office before. Their dogs are their children! It's been said that one of the dogs got ran over. :( Well, my boss just buzzed me and made ME call to tell them we're done with what he got and so forth, because HE didn't want to talk to them after what he did! UGH! "I let the dogs out and didn't stick around to see if they got them all back or not." He really can be such an ass sometimes! Well, at least when I talked to them they sounded okay, so hopefully the doggie is also okay.

In other news, B and I got our rings yesterday! They're beautiful! I can't wait to wear it. I really am completely psyched about being married to him; spending my life with him. I keep dreaming of how the holidays will be, having babies, and growing old together. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's not all lollipops. It just feels great to finally be where I want to in life (at least for that aspect).

I'm still looking for another job. I spent a good bit of time last night searching online. Man, there are a lot of freelance jobs, but they don't pay very well! Not to mention I'm zilch on the experience, so probably even less than most. A career in writing will definitely take some transition from full time work with that on the side for a while. Then to part time, until eventually (hopefully) I don't even need the part time, and I can just write.

We're having wireless issues at home. I need to get to the bottom of it. I can't use my laptop for internet purposes, not to mention B's computer doesn't have Word on it. How can you not have Word?! (Sure, most people wouldn't use it, but Word is like not having IE or Firefox to me!) So, I'm constantly hopping back and forth between the two. My laptop is also completely out of room. It hardly runs, anymore. It's constantly telling me it's all full! Seriously, resources/memory are so low, it won't even let me transfer files to my Ipod. Crazy, right? I just think it means it's time for a new computer! I'm afraid I won't be getting one of those until I know that my writing can take off. We won't stress over in which direction, though. Perhaps it could be a wedding gift to myself.

And speaking of wedding gift, I need to get something for B. What to get, what to get? We're both paycheck-to-paycheck poor. Maybe I'll get creative and make something. Who knows? Hrm. I have a sweet idea! Okay, it's really not that spectacular considering it's an option that puts me just a bit more in debt (Bad, Kerry, BAD). I'll just have to look at it as an investment! A digital video camera. I know, I know, hardly necessary! But would be incredibly convenient for our trip to Las Vegas. And all the memories will begin to build as husband and wife. Okay, I'm done with the gag-inducing talk.

There was something else I wanted to cover, but I guess that will just have to come later in the day.

Starting Over

I'm fighting my emotions today. I woke up, quite cranky, to the sounds of my alarm at 6:30 am. I didn't want to get up to do yoga, but B persisted. I reset my alarm for 7:00 am. Of course, 7:00 am came much too fast, but I managed to roll out of bed, anyhow. Yoga was hardly relaxing. I still have trouble clearing my mind. I concentrate on my breathing and the stretches I'm doing, and before I know it, I'm thinking about that bathing suit cover I need to get before this weekend, how messy the apartment is, and why didn't B clean yesterday while I was gone? Regardless, I made it through the 20 minute morning "workout." I haven't been fixing coffee because I can't stand the cream we got. I think it's gross. Until I buy the kind I like, there's no point in making any.

B finally crawls out of bed at 8:00 am, with complaints of a backache. He slept all day yesterday. Gee, I wonder why his back hurts? Our bed consists of two mattresses piled on top of each other on the floor. Hardly good for the back, especially when you sleep all day. Needless to say, B was also cranky. His mood always rubs off on me way too easily. So there you go, a double helping of crankiness, topped off with complete lack of motivation to work. That means I'm pretty worthless this morning. For the past hour I've been reading up on LJ, Suite101.com, and thinking about how in the world I'm supposed to get a career started in editing/writing. The whole world wants to write. It seems nearly impossible to get your foot caught in that door. But, I guess as my dad (and, well, everyone's dad somewhere along the line, I'm sure) always said, "Where there's a will, there's a way." I just question my will. That is indeed the wrong way to approach anything.

In my last relationship, I found constant antagonism in my attempts to write about my daily life. Once it was all said and done, there came the request for me to write a book about his life. Really? After all the time of the hostility towards anything I wrote about him, now he actually wants me to write about him. All the sense in the world, I tell you. Of course my response was an astounding NO! But now that I'm wanting to get back into writing again, and therapy is helping me to confront all the bad feelings and memories, I find myself wanting to write about that experience. It honestly made me into who I am today. In the past, it really seemed like nothing to write about. Just another chick living day to day in her early twenties. But after reaching this higher state of mind and looking back on what I experienced, and actually reliving some of those memories in my mind, I wonder how I survived it all. Granted, it wasn't...wait, it was life changing. And I sincerely imagine that anyone who went through this would also have changed somehow, be it better or worse.

Question is, okay, questions are, now that I've moved on and am finally experiencing the life I've always wanted, do I revisit the past? Do I put myself through the grueling emotions, again? What would B think of me writing a book all about my ex-boyfriend? Do I really wanna go there, again?

I've decided I really want to be able to be a "stay at home" mom. I know I'd have to work, and writing and editing seems to be one way I really can stay at home while still bringing in an income. I know I'm rusty, but I do recall some praise from at least one professor once upon a time. I can do this. I just need to find the starting line.