Not my best moments.

I was extremely emotional yesterday. The crying didn't end at work. It just went on and on and on. I was going to go to my parents' house for dinner last night, but I just couldn't stop crying at every little thing. So, instead I went home, ate some dinner, and went to bed...at 6pm. I didn't get up till 6am this morning. I slept some, but not as much as I'd have liked for being in bed that long. I'd wake up here and there and be up for about 30 minutes to an hour, then I'll fall back asleep.

I made breakfast this morning. Eggs and bacon. I fixed coffee and poured me a small cup. I couldn't even take two sips of it. I just don't like it, anymore. Which is good, considering caffiene is pretty bad for me in this state anyhow.

I have a cold, I think. It sucks. My head is entirely too congested. I can't stand without feeling dizzy. I cough and blow my nose a million times a day. I'm a little worried that I have fever right now. But I have no idea where to go for this. I suppose if I start to feel worse, I can call my OB/GYN and let them know. They'll tell me what I should do. I'm only hesitant because I haven't been there yet. My first appointment is on July 29th. I also hesistate because sometimes I think I might be a bit of a hypochondriac. On top of the awful congestion, and probably because of, I have a huge headache this morning. And my sides hurt. I just want to get to my first appointment so I can find out that everything is okay. I've never been a patient person.

And my wrists hurt. I think I have carpel tunnel. Really.

And speaking of patience, or lack thereof, my nerves are pretty bad today. I'm not sure that getting off of my medication will turn out to be such a good idea, afterall. But I'm really worried about risks involved with taking the meds. See, if I could just have a damn appointment already, I wouldn't be stressing over this right now. Oh, stress.

This job is SERIOUSLY stressing me out. I'm definitely to the point of dread each morning when I wake up to get ready for work. I have nightmares about being trapped here. I have seriously got to find another job. I can't take this, it affects my mind and physical state way too much in a negative way.

Oh, how I wish I could be a stay at home mom. Pregnancy is a job all in itself! What with all the emotions and stress, it's really wearing. Of course, I already have enough issues that I'm sure it's just that much more intense for me. I guess most normal women can handle it.
I hate not having any money. If I didn't have all these damn bills to pay, I would just stay at home. But, nope, I have way too many bills not to work. Student loans, Credit card (at least that isn't plural), car insurance, car note (I can't wait to be DONE with that in Dec), rent, electricity, cable, bills from ER visit. SIGH. I want to just sit here and cry thinking about it.
I can't keep stressing like this. But I certainly can't seem to calm down this week.

I really do feel very very very irritable right now. I mean, I feel so yucky I could seriously almost tell my boss to take this job and shove it. But I can't. I don't just work for him. Work, work, work.

Two weeks, two days, and I'll be off to Las Vegas. I can handle that, right? I can manage not to go stark raving mad between now and then, right?

I need to get prenatal vitamins and a yoga pregnancy DVD or something. I just need to KNOWWWWWWWW and I'm so mad that I don't know yet. And I don't have money to get those things right now, anyway. I don't have money for one damn thing.

My nerves are escalating downward at an unreal pace. Not even writing is helping right now. I don't think I'll be able to stay off of my medicine.

I need a place to cry.

And how does that make you feel?

I had two therapy appointments today. One with the psychiatrist, and one with the therapist. My doctor said it was okay for me to stay off the Cymbalta for now, since I'm still not sure. He says plenty people go off the meds for the duration of the pregnancy and are okay, but if the need to treat the depression/anxiety becomes great enough, they have to treat me. He says he thinks that staying on the cymbalta will be fine, but that I should talk to my OB/GYN first. They may want me to be on Zoloft or Prozac as those have had definite "okays" throughout numerous pregnancies. He did, however, suggest that if I do stay off the medication for the pregnancy that I at least keep up with therapy once a week. But he really thinks I'll be okay on the cymbalta. So I just have to call him and let him know as soon as I know what the OB/GYN says.

My therapist was surprised, but genuinely happy (or a good actress) about all the great stressors (the good type) happening in my life right now. I have another appointment with her on the 31st, right before I leave for Vegas. I know that's two weeks away, but I was hoping that I'd know more about the medication by the next visit.

She seemed pleased with my accomplishments, and it made me happy to know that at least there is one other person that realizes my efforts for what they really hard. It's really exhausting to care everyday, but I really, really want to. Today, I actually would have loved to have had a recording of my session with her, because I think it was an accomplishment, even for me, in the way I responded to what's been going on in life lately (A LOT).

My memory is shot. I can't remember much, so I definitely don't remember the last thing I posted. This morning feels like it was days ago.

I didn't have coffee this morning. I'm still not sure if I should cut that out completely or not. I've read that it's okay to have a cup or two each day. By 5pm, I did have a Mochassippi, though. I was so thirsty and CC's was too close to pass up! And it was really yummy, too! Then I went to Chili's with M. It was great to sit and talk with her for a while. I really hope she finds "her way."

I've been incredibly snotty the past couple days. I've been sneezing like mad at work. It drives me nutty. I have a box of Puffs everywhere that I go! Is it a cold? Or is it the thinning of the mucous membranes because I'm pregnant that makes me congested? I really think it's a cold.

Today was the first day I was really nauseated all morning long. So much so, I even brought along an icecream bucket lined with a plastic bag...just in cases! (If you've seen Love, Actually--and if you haven't you should!--you'll get the bad grammar there.) It finally subsided after lunch. But riding around town with my mom didn't help it any. I really think during these nine months I will most definitely be driving everywhere I go; no riding along.I have a bit of a headache right now and I'm really tired. All afternoon I've just wanted to take a nap. And it makes me that much more exhausted to think of waking up for work tomorrow.

OH!! Speaking of work! Remember that I sent in my resume for a copy editor position? Wellllllll, I got a response!!!

Kerry,Thank you for your interest in ABP! I'm excited about your enthusiasm for editing and your experience in writing. We are definitely interested in hiring you as an editor.

Awesome, no? I think it's a great opportunity. It will offer wonderful experience! I'm looking forward to it!

Anyway, I'm so tired and I should get to bed, I guess. Have a good night, folks!