It's a sleepy afternoon, but I'll manage.

I haven't posted since last Thursday (0bviously). That's a bit off for me. I suppose the best reasons (though they're all excuses) is that I've been incredibly moody and cranky. I'd hate to make a long complainy post. Regardless, here's a new one.

I'm in a mostly decent mood this afternoon. I never like proclaiming my good moods, because that always seems to shoo them away. But considering that my moods are all lasting for about 30 minutes tops right now, I don't guess it really matters.

I'm completely exhausted right now. I'm having one of those sixth hour class moments where you dose off and your head starts droop forward, then you wake up and nearly give yourself whiplash. I'd love nothing more than a nap. Okay, that's not entirely true, I could think of a lot more that I'd love than just a nap, but a nap would be a fine starting point.

I received the editor's guide for American Book Publishing today. That's exciting. It really makes me want to head off to Barnes and Noble and buy the Chicago Manual of Style (which I'll probably do, even though most of the guidelines can be found online) just so I'll have it for reference. I need to read through the guide they sent to me, too. I'm nervous and excited about receiving my first manuscript. I hope that it isn't for a seasoned author, or if it is, that they can't tell I'm brand new! It's also a bit inspiring to start working on my own stories and such. Maybe I'll do that this weekend while I'm watching the boat drag races. Then again, maybe not. I really do enjoy watching the boats. I especially love the roaring engines!

In a week I'll get to see my childhood best friend! I don't think I've seen her for about six years now. Seems crazy that it's been that long, but I'm pretty sure that it has. We're going to go out to dinner and spend some time catching up, but ultimately we won't have too much time together since B and I are leaving for Las Vegas that Saturday. (SQUEEE! 11 more days!)

Going back to the writing my own stories, my laptop is nearly dead. That makes me pretty sad. I think I can get it back to a decent condition, but probably not the best. I really want a new one, but there's just no available funds for that. Well.....there's credit, but that doesn't count. I cannot make a big purchase like that at this point in my life, not considering my current condition.

Andybody wanna buy me a laptop as a wedding gift?? Which reminds me, I need to stop by the apartment tonight on my way to my parents' place and pick up the Target registry cards.

I just wrote that reminder on my hand, and how it made me long for a tattoo. It has been too long. K is going to go without me, or at least get one while I watch. But there's no way I can get one now, or even afford to get one. Heck, I can't even afford to want one right now. Saddening. Really.

Anyhow. That's your update (hardly) for now.

Not my best moments.

I was extremely emotional yesterday. The crying didn't end at work. It just went on and on and on. I was going to go to my parents' house for dinner last night, but I just couldn't stop crying at every little thing. So, instead I went home, ate some dinner, and went to bed...at 6pm. I didn't get up till 6am this morning. I slept some, but not as much as I'd have liked for being in bed that long. I'd wake up here and there and be up for about 30 minutes to an hour, then I'll fall back asleep.

I made breakfast this morning. Eggs and bacon. I fixed coffee and poured me a small cup. I couldn't even take two sips of it. I just don't like it, anymore. Which is good, considering caffiene is pretty bad for me in this state anyhow.

I have a cold, I think. It sucks. My head is entirely too congested. I can't stand without feeling dizzy. I cough and blow my nose a million times a day. I'm a little worried that I have fever right now. But I have no idea where to go for this. I suppose if I start to feel worse, I can call my OB/GYN and let them know. They'll tell me what I should do. I'm only hesitant because I haven't been there yet. My first appointment is on July 29th. I also hesistate because sometimes I think I might be a bit of a hypochondriac. On top of the awful congestion, and probably because of, I have a huge headache this morning. And my sides hurt. I just want to get to my first appointment so I can find out that everything is okay. I've never been a patient person.

And my wrists hurt. I think I have carpel tunnel. Really.

And speaking of patience, or lack thereof, my nerves are pretty bad today. I'm not sure that getting off of my medication will turn out to be such a good idea, afterall. But I'm really worried about risks involved with taking the meds. See, if I could just have a damn appointment already, I wouldn't be stressing over this right now. Oh, stress.

This job is SERIOUSLY stressing me out. I'm definitely to the point of dread each morning when I wake up to get ready for work. I have nightmares about being trapped here. I have seriously got to find another job. I can't take this, it affects my mind and physical state way too much in a negative way.

Oh, how I wish I could be a stay at home mom. Pregnancy is a job all in itself! What with all the emotions and stress, it's really wearing. Of course, I already have enough issues that I'm sure it's just that much more intense for me. I guess most normal women can handle it.
I hate not having any money. If I didn't have all these damn bills to pay, I would just stay at home. But, nope, I have way too many bills not to work. Student loans, Credit card (at least that isn't plural), car insurance, car note (I can't wait to be DONE with that in Dec), rent, electricity, cable, bills from ER visit. SIGH. I want to just sit here and cry thinking about it.
I can't keep stressing like this. But I certainly can't seem to calm down this week.

I really do feel very very very irritable right now. I mean, I feel so yucky I could seriously almost tell my boss to take this job and shove it. But I can't. I don't just work for him. Work, work, work.

Two weeks, two days, and I'll be off to Las Vegas. I can handle that, right? I can manage not to go stark raving mad between now and then, right?

I need to get prenatal vitamins and a yoga pregnancy DVD or something. I just need to KNOWWWWWWWW and I'm so mad that I don't know yet. And I don't have money to get those things right now, anyway. I don't have money for one damn thing.

My nerves are escalating downward at an unreal pace. Not even writing is helping right now. I don't think I'll be able to stay off of my medicine.

I need a place to cry.

And how does that make you feel?

I had two therapy appointments today. One with the psychiatrist, and one with the therapist. My doctor said it was okay for me to stay off the Cymbalta for now, since I'm still not sure. He says plenty people go off the meds for the duration of the pregnancy and are okay, but if the need to treat the depression/anxiety becomes great enough, they have to treat me. He says he thinks that staying on the cymbalta will be fine, but that I should talk to my OB/GYN first. They may want me to be on Zoloft or Prozac as those have had definite "okays" throughout numerous pregnancies. He did, however, suggest that if I do stay off the medication for the pregnancy that I at least keep up with therapy once a week. But he really thinks I'll be okay on the cymbalta. So I just have to call him and let him know as soon as I know what the OB/GYN says.

My therapist was surprised, but genuinely happy (or a good actress) about all the great stressors (the good type) happening in my life right now. I have another appointment with her on the 31st, right before I leave for Vegas. I know that's two weeks away, but I was hoping that I'd know more about the medication by the next visit.

She seemed pleased with my accomplishments, and it made me happy to know that at least there is one other person that realizes my efforts for what they really hard. It's really exhausting to care everyday, but I really, really want to. Today, I actually would have loved to have had a recording of my session with her, because I think it was an accomplishment, even for me, in the way I responded to what's been going on in life lately (A LOT).

My memory is shot. I can't remember much, so I definitely don't remember the last thing I posted. This morning feels like it was days ago.

I didn't have coffee this morning. I'm still not sure if I should cut that out completely or not. I've read that it's okay to have a cup or two each day. By 5pm, I did have a Mochassippi, though. I was so thirsty and CC's was too close to pass up! And it was really yummy, too! Then I went to Chili's with M. It was great to sit and talk with her for a while. I really hope she finds "her way."

I've been incredibly snotty the past couple days. I've been sneezing like mad at work. It drives me nutty. I have a box of Puffs everywhere that I go! Is it a cold? Or is it the thinning of the mucous membranes because I'm pregnant that makes me congested? I really think it's a cold.

Today was the first day I was really nauseated all morning long. So much so, I even brought along an icecream bucket lined with a plastic bag...just in cases! (If you've seen Love, Actually--and if you haven't you should!--you'll get the bad grammar there.) It finally subsided after lunch. But riding around town with my mom didn't help it any. I really think during these nine months I will most definitely be driving everywhere I go; no riding along.I have a bit of a headache right now and I'm really tired. All afternoon I've just wanted to take a nap. And it makes me that much more exhausted to think of waking up for work tomorrow.

OH!! Speaking of work! Remember that I sent in my resume for a copy editor position? Wellllllll, I got a response!!!

Kerry,Thank you for your interest in ABP! I'm excited about your enthusiasm for editing and your experience in writing. We are definitely interested in hiring you as an editor.

Awesome, no? I think it's a great opportunity. It will offer wonderful experience! I'm looking forward to it!

Anyway, I'm so tired and I should get to bed, I guess. Have a good night, folks!

Here comes the rain, again.

I'm pretty irritable this afternoon. I've been trying to make calls all day. I feel pretty lost about what I'm supposed to do. The gynecologist I've always seen is in Alexandria. I'm not setting up an appointment there. So, I don't have a doctor. I thought I needed to have a doctor confirm that I'm pregnant, but after calling a few health units, it seems that most ob/gyn offices don't have to have a second verification; the two at home tests should be enough.

In the midst, and perhaps height, of my irritation, the LaMOMS lady called (it's a program that pays for all prenatal care, delivery, and up to 60 days postnatal care for families under a certain income, which we happen to fall into) and said I just needed proof of my work/salary faxed over, and everything should be set up by Thursday. She said I probably shouldn't schedule an appointment until after that, so that I know I'll be covered. At least that. BUUUUUUUUT. The office manager isn't in today (completely unreliable) and I don't know if I can get the information I need from her today. None of which would be a problem if they just provided check stubs each paycheck.

My back hurts. My head hurts. I'm incredibly sleepy. I get no sleep at night. None! I toss and turn and no matter how I get, I'm never comfortable. I think I need my granny recliner from my sister's. I have a feeling I might be sleeping in that chair a good bit for the next nine months.



And what if something happens? I gotta tell you, it sucks telling people and getting excited right now, because what if it doesn't carry on? What if I miscarry or something like that? It's just SCARY.

Anyway, I'm still at work. My nerves are really short, but I guess I need to try to get something else done.

Good News.

I'm pregnant!!!!!

That deserves a line all in itself. This is earlier than I expected it to be, but it's all good. I'm happy and Ben's happy, and that's what matters. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I've taken two tests and both have said "pregnant." My sister's boyfriend says HCG don't lie. I was planning to take a half a day tomorrow anyway, because I have two therapy appointments. I guess I'll spend all day in and out of doctors' offices.

By my own calculations, I'll be due mid March. The changes are already crazy. Just thinking that I have a life growing inside of me is crazy. Mind blowing. O.O

My family all seems pretty excited, too. I'm happy. I know my nephew will be really happy, too. My sisters tell me that he asked me a couple weeks ago for a baby, though I have no recollection of that at all. But there ya go, he's getting what he asked for!

So much is happening in my life right now. Marriage, pregnancy, looking for a new house and a new job...the list goes on, but those are the biggest, most stressful (both good and bad stress) items.

The most prominent changes have to include the smells and the achiness! Everything smells and everything hurts. I really keep waiting for my period to start becuase I cramp so much. But no such signs. I feel like I need to take a million more tests, just to be sure. But that's what the doctor visit will be about tomorrow.

Smells, achiness, and NO SLEEP. I don't think I've ever had that much trouble sleeping in my life!

Anyway, more later, I guess I need to work, now.

When the world keeps coming down on me I let it go!

The shame! I did not make an entry yesterday. Maybe I'll make up for it today by making two posts. Oh, but you shall just have to wait and see. I know the suspense might be dreadful, but you can handle it.

Yesterday was pretty uneventful, for me, at least. I woke up and did my normal AM Yoga routine, made some coffee, took a shower, watched a portion of The Early Show, came to work, went home, cleaned the kitchen and took out the trash, ate dinner, and went to bed. Of course I could fill that in and take up pages upon pages of mundane details, but what's the point of boring you all to death with that? Maybe next time.

I'm trying to decided where to take my bridal photos. There are really just so many options. I know the one fact; I want them to be outside. I've always had an immense love for trees (I rarely hug them, though). Of course, I want trees to be a part of the background. Big, gnarly, old and wise trees! Sunshine. Water. Old buildings. Okay, call me crazy, but I'd be in hog heaven if I could take pictures by a really old abandoned church with an old cemetery. My love for the middle ground between here and there has never faulted. What? Morbid? Aww, c'mon! It would be unique, I bet. Not that I'm striving to be all individualistic or anything.

Oh! One of my sisters bought me some awesome shoes to wear with my dress (as I may have mentioned before), and those have to come through in some of the pictures. R also mentioned wearing the big black boots that are the typical "me" shoe (in actuality, I hardly ever wore them--my slob style always won over the fun side). I may also drag along some of those. At this moment, but only this moment, I sort of regret (oh, I just don't like that word) passing them along to S a few years ago. So it goes!

What if I get my dress dirty while I'm taking pictures? I can think of some fun pictures to take, but it would surely soil my dress! And I can't wait to have it cleaned, again. I'm starting to wonder if I should wait until AFTER I get married to do the bridal session. That way I can take the fun pictures, and not worry about it getting dirty, because it'll have to be cleaned then, anyway. Or, I can always have a session before and after. Hrm. There's a thought.

I'm at work. I know, you're not surprised. Every entry I've made has been while I'm at work. I can't help it. I need this me time to push along the day. Of course, today it's more of a "to get the day going" sort of entry. I've hardly done anything. In my defense, I did do a couple things for work. I'm not a complete slacker. I long for the days of being able to work at my own leisure. Those days won't come without some hard working years behind it, or as it were, ahead of it. I just confused myself, I think.

This weekend we're (myself, B, & K) going to B's parents' place. They're having a small get-together in honor of our upcoming elopement. His aunt and uncle have a nice built in pool. I plan to swim. They can gawk at my enormous hips and thighs if they will, I have no cares. I want to swim and relax in a pool.

I'm actually looking forward to the drive. It's been a while since I just drove for a while. The sun will be out, and I can roll the windows all the way down and blast some good insterstate-driving music. Speaking of, I wonder what ever happened to that cd my brother in law made years and years ago. It was fun. I have fond memories of trips back and forth to Lafayette, singing along with Cowboy Mouth. Except for that time the bird flew into the car and hit the back window. Well, okay, it's not very fond for the bird, I'm sure, as it was ultimately his last memory, but I sure can't help laughing about it now.

I'm trying not to stress over life. Pick up rings, send B's ring back, get B a new ring, decide on location for photo session, apply for new job, find a house, B needs a car, tell my boss I quit when I get a new job...Okay, that doesn't sound so bad. No need to stress! It's been said over and over again, but with an indisposable cash flow, those items would not be in the least bit stressful. Well, telling my boss I'm going to a new job might still be, but that's a different issue all together.

And speaking of different issues, I'm looking forward to my two therapy appointments next week. I'm a bit nervous about the one with the psychiatrist, because I've only seen him once before. I'm definitely ready for the one with the therapist, though. That hour flies by! It really is helping me. It makes a huge difference when you really want the help. I'm getting better! Yay. Make that, YAY! But of course I couldn't do it without my loving and supportive family (and I'm not just saying that because they made read this, I mean it!).

Okay, time for some work.

Tossing rocks along the way...

Well, I did it. I submitted my resume for an editor (copy) position. It's through email. This is basically something I would do in my time off from my current job; my night and weekend job. I don't get the whole pay deal. It says, "Five percent book royalty income paid as compensation for content editing work." I assume that means payment later rather than sooner. But my main goal in this is to see IF I even like that sort of work. And on top of that, I really doubt I'll be seriously considered for it, since I have absolutely no experience in the workfield with that. I have done that sort of deal while I was in school.

I also got off my ass and printed out some state applications for a couple different state jobs. Well, three to be exact. Two at ULL (would love to work there--hello free graduate classes), and one at the University Medical Center in the Radiology department. All secretarial work, of course. All three jobs offer (1) more money and (2) benefits! I could also get direct deposit there! I miss direct deposit. It sucks running around after work and over the weekend trying to get my check cashed or deposited. It was nice when it would go through late on Thursday nights. I'm really hoping that I could get one of these positions. It would be SO MUCH better for me than what I'm doing now. Working at the university has other benefits as well. As I so vaguely (hah!) mentioned before, I could take free classes! I would completely love that. I can use their recreation center for exercise and swimming and what not. I think it'd be cool, anyway. It could be another job straight out of hell, for I all I really know.

The hospital I wouldn't mind working for, either. I'd probably get to wear scrubs, and that takes a lot of guesswork out of getting dressed in the mornings. Simple, and usually pretty cute (since I've been into that whole girly cuteness lately). We shall see!

I'm (finally!) going to the jeweler at lunch today to get my ring resized. B needs to get his resized, too. It's about a half size too big. I'm not sure if I should stick with the 7.5 or go down to the 7. The 7.5 is a little loose, but not too bad. I'm just afraid of my hands swelling and it not fitting. BUT in the winter, and when my hands get cold, it could just fly right off. I better go with the 7, which means I need to resize both my wedding band and engagement ring. Oh, fun, fun, fun.

I was going to get B a wedding gift, but then K pointed out to me that I've already bought the wedding ceremony, plane tickets, and room for the whole thing. I don't think I need to do anything else, really. So, that's that, at least. No more expenses to stress over there. I am, however, letting other expenses stress me out. Bills, bills, bills. The story of all our lives, I'm sure.

I really don't get how people live, sometimes. It's just unreal. We need another vehicle and a house. Anyone care to donate to the cause? Of course not, you're all poor, too!! And then I turn on the TV and see millions of dollars being paid for PICTURES of babies. I just don't get it. How did it get to this? It does no good to complain about it, I know. Celebrities will continue to rake it all in without lifting a freaking pinky, while we all slave away at work. And I'm sure they had to work somewhere along the lines. They're just better at selling themselves. I guess they deserve a cookie. I just wouldn't mind a little nibble once in a while!

I won't back down.

I sneeze all day while I'm at work. I do believe this supports my theory; I'm allergic to work! In the very least, I'm allergic to this place.

I found out some AWFUL news from a co-worker this morning. My boss was getting some files from an agent's office yesterday. While he was there, he was so concerned about getting the damned files that he let the dogs out. Now, I've been to this office before. Their dogs are their children! It's been said that one of the dogs got ran over. :( Well, my boss just buzzed me and made ME call to tell them we're done with what he got and so forth, because HE didn't want to talk to them after what he did! UGH! "I let the dogs out and didn't stick around to see if they got them all back or not." He really can be such an ass sometimes! Well, at least when I talked to them they sounded okay, so hopefully the doggie is also okay.

In other news, B and I got our rings yesterday! They're beautiful! I can't wait to wear it. I really am completely psyched about being married to him; spending my life with him. I keep dreaming of how the holidays will be, having babies, and growing old together. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's not all lollipops. It just feels great to finally be where I want to in life (at least for that aspect).

I'm still looking for another job. I spent a good bit of time last night searching online. Man, there are a lot of freelance jobs, but they don't pay very well! Not to mention I'm zilch on the experience, so probably even less than most. A career in writing will definitely take some transition from full time work with that on the side for a while. Then to part time, until eventually (hopefully) I don't even need the part time, and I can just write.

We're having wireless issues at home. I need to get to the bottom of it. I can't use my laptop for internet purposes, not to mention B's computer doesn't have Word on it. How can you not have Word?! (Sure, most people wouldn't use it, but Word is like not having IE or Firefox to me!) So, I'm constantly hopping back and forth between the two. My laptop is also completely out of room. It hardly runs, anymore. It's constantly telling me it's all full! Seriously, resources/memory are so low, it won't even let me transfer files to my Ipod. Crazy, right? I just think it means it's time for a new computer! I'm afraid I won't be getting one of those until I know that my writing can take off. We won't stress over in which direction, though. Perhaps it could be a wedding gift to myself.

And speaking of wedding gift, I need to get something for B. What to get, what to get? We're both paycheck-to-paycheck poor. Maybe I'll get creative and make something. Who knows? Hrm. I have a sweet idea! Okay, it's really not that spectacular considering it's an option that puts me just a bit more in debt (Bad, Kerry, BAD). I'll just have to look at it as an investment! A digital video camera. I know, I know, hardly necessary! But would be incredibly convenient for our trip to Las Vegas. And all the memories will begin to build as husband and wife. Okay, I'm done with the gag-inducing talk.

There was something else I wanted to cover, but I guess that will just have to come later in the day.

Afternoon Madness

And here it is, again. The time of the afternoon when my nerves reach their lowest potential point of the day. The strong urge to scratch at my arms and legs until I feel the burn of layers peeling away grips at me. Concentration is not an option; however, I am able to write. It's probably about the only thing that keeps me sane in the afternoon. Yet, even this fails to occupy my mind appropriately enough to calm me.

I'm completely distracted by thoughts of my upcoming wedding, my fiance's bitter mood today, possibilities of new jobs and careers, and even trying to find blogs worth my time (which is just about any, really, because mostly I just want a distraction from this reality I'm stuck in right now).

My fiance, B, is supposed to drive a Nascar with Richard Petty driving school while we're in Las Vegas. That means this chick needs to get friendly with life and disability insurance information. AND get us signed up before we leave for Vegas on August 2. I'm sure it's possible, but with my easily distracted mind, I can rarely follow options and what's what. Not helping in the matter is the fact that we're incredibly poor right now! I know life insurance isn't really expensive (at least not for reasonable plans). Of course, I need to get in the know about health insurance, too. That's pretty important, and it seems neither of us will be getting that cushy state job with insurance any time soon. But it seems pretty darn impossible to understand all the different options for health insurance. Next Tuesday I have two therapy appointments (with the therapist and the psychiatrist), so I may be able to squeeze in a meeting with an insurance agent while I'm out of work.

Still looking for that on/off switch in my brain.

Starting Over

I'm fighting my emotions today. I woke up, quite cranky, to the sounds of my alarm at 6:30 am. I didn't want to get up to do yoga, but B persisted. I reset my alarm for 7:00 am. Of course, 7:00 am came much too fast, but I managed to roll out of bed, anyhow. Yoga was hardly relaxing. I still have trouble clearing my mind. I concentrate on my breathing and the stretches I'm doing, and before I know it, I'm thinking about that bathing suit cover I need to get before this weekend, how messy the apartment is, and why didn't B clean yesterday while I was gone? Regardless, I made it through the 20 minute morning "workout." I haven't been fixing coffee because I can't stand the cream we got. I think it's gross. Until I buy the kind I like, there's no point in making any.

B finally crawls out of bed at 8:00 am, with complaints of a backache. He slept all day yesterday. Gee, I wonder why his back hurts? Our bed consists of two mattresses piled on top of each other on the floor. Hardly good for the back, especially when you sleep all day. Needless to say, B was also cranky. His mood always rubs off on me way too easily. So there you go, a double helping of crankiness, topped off with complete lack of motivation to work. That means I'm pretty worthless this morning. For the past hour I've been reading up on LJ, Suite101.com, and thinking about how in the world I'm supposed to get a career started in editing/writing. The whole world wants to write. It seems nearly impossible to get your foot caught in that door. But, I guess as my dad (and, well, everyone's dad somewhere along the line, I'm sure) always said, "Where there's a will, there's a way." I just question my will. That is indeed the wrong way to approach anything.

In my last relationship, I found constant antagonism in my attempts to write about my daily life. Once it was all said and done, there came the request for me to write a book about his life. Really? After all the time of the hostility towards anything I wrote about him, now he actually wants me to write about him. All the sense in the world, I tell you. Of course my response was an astounding NO! But now that I'm wanting to get back into writing again, and therapy is helping me to confront all the bad feelings and memories, I find myself wanting to write about that experience. It honestly made me into who I am today. In the past, it really seemed like nothing to write about. Just another chick living day to day in her early twenties. But after reaching this higher state of mind and looking back on what I experienced, and actually reliving some of those memories in my mind, I wonder how I survived it all. Granted, it wasn't...wait, it was life changing. And I sincerely imagine that anyone who went through this would also have changed somehow, be it better or worse.

Question is, okay, questions are, now that I've moved on and am finally experiencing the life I've always wanted, do I revisit the past? Do I put myself through the grueling emotions, again? What would B think of me writing a book all about my ex-boyfriend? Do I really wanna go there, again?

I've decided I really want to be able to be a "stay at home" mom. I know I'd have to work, and writing and editing seems to be one way I really can stay at home while still bringing in an income. I know I'm rusty, but I do recall some praise from at least one professor once upon a time. I can do this. I just need to find the starting line.